Loliver: The Musical
by Silly Lilly
Summary: [A silly parody] Mitchel, Miley, and Emily cast new faces to play the parts of Oliver, Miley, and Lilly in the new production, Loliver: The Musical.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: HI THERE! This is **Alissyn** and **Silly Lilly**! We just wanted to let you all know that we are writing this together! Even though it's on Lilly's account, we're doing this as a team. And this is Alissyn typing btw, incase you didn't notice (Lilly is just reading it). This has just been a silly idea of ours, so we hope you like this! (:

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(Emily, Mitchel, and Miley are sitting at a rectangular table, waiting to cast 3 lucky actors and actresses as Miley, Lilly, and Oliver in the new broadway production of Loliver: The Musical.) 

Emily: (sipping her coke) I already know who's going to be cast as Lilly in Loliver: The Musical.

Mitchel: WHO?!?!? Like, like, how do you, like, already know?

Emily: (rolling her eyes) because I'm psychic… duh. Oh wait, that's Raven… JAY-KAY! L-O-L!

Miley: Break it up, you two sillies! The peoples that are auditioning for the parts of Lilly, Miley, and Oliver will be here in like 2 seconds!

Emily: (laughs) Oh ple—

(A large group of people suddenly appear out of nowhere.)

Mitchel: (blinks) That was… SO COOL! Do it again! (giggles and pounds on the table)

Emily: (groans) Mitchel, honey, they can't do it again…

Mitchel: (stares at her) Why did you just call me honey?

Emily: Isn't this _Loliver_ the musical?

Miley: I thought it was Moliver the musical…?

Mitchel: (begins to throw up)

Emily: (gapes at Miley) MILEY! You KNOW what talking about… _that_… does to him! Moliver _kills_ children!

Miley: (frowns) Well, nobody told me!

Audition Person #6: UMM, are we going to START?! I don't want to like, forget my lines!

Emily: (claps) Alright, guys! Let's begin! Whoever wants to audition first, step up!

Paul: (takes one step forward. Everyone else takes one step backwards.) (in a robotic voice) I'm ready.

Miley: (bites her nails) You're… scary.

Emily: (slaps Miley across the ankle) Miley, don't be rude. You have a reputation, you know.

Miley: I know, I know. (begins to file her nails) So Paige, why don't you sing already?

Paul: (sings perfectly on key and gracefully) Ac-tu-a-lly, it's Paaaaul! Paul that rhymes with--

Mitchel: (interrupts him) UGH that was HORRIBLE!

Emily: (has her hand on her heart and is crying) That was… beautiful. It really touched my heart. What do you think, Miley?

Miley: (is drooling) Paige… you're… really… hot.

Mitchel: My ass.

Miley: (yells) U NO UR JUST JEALouZ OF MOLivERRR!!!!!!11111

Emily: What's with the 1's…?

Miley & Paul: They're my favorite number! (stare wide-eyed at each other)

Miley: Do you feel the connection too, Paige? You really should get the part of Oliver! Seriously. You have a callback!

Mitchel: (annoyed) Um, I think you forgot to discuss this with the rest of the judges.

Emily: She discussed it with me…

Mitchel: When?! You never had time to discuss anything!

Emily: Oh, yeah… (awkward) BANANA!

Miley: (at the same time as Paul) That's my favorite food!  
Paul: (at the same time as Miley) That's my LEAST favorite food!

Miley: (glares at him)

Paul: (stutters) I mean favorite! I luff bananas!

Emily: Ukkay, next person!

Marissa: (has a moustache) Yo.

Mitchel: Nice stash.

Marissa: (doesn't hear him) (sings very loud and low) Throw it away… Forget yesterday… We'll make the great escape…

Miley: WHOA! YOU should play the part of Oliver! You have a great voice!

Marissa: (in a high-pitched, soft voice) Actually, I wanted to be Miley…

Miley: (twirls a piece of her hair) Doesn't everybody?

Mitchel: Marissa… (choosing his words carefully) You're very beautiful and sweet… but I don't think we should have someone as… talented, and wonderful as you in our production.

Emily: Mitchel… thanks for trying to be nice… but Marissa… YOU HAVE A FREAKING MOUSTACHE! You're an ugly girl, actually, I don't know if you're a girl or a guy and you're just a stupid $!#&!&!#$&$&$&$&!!!!!!! (explodes)

Miley: (frightened) Where did her head go?!?!

Mitchel: Oh, here it is. (screws it back on)

Paul: (rolls onto the floor laughing) (chokes out while chuckling) She… lost… her head!! AHAH!

Miley: (rolls on the floor with him, and on top of him seductively.)

Paul: Um, Miley? Can you please get off of me?

Miley: NO! (clings onto his nosering)

Mitchel: That's kind of disturbing… NEXT!

Carolina: Hi there. (:

Emily: WOW! How do you do the smiley??

Carolina: (: It's easy! (: (:

Emily: Oooookayyyy… Anyways… SING!

Carolina: (sings very nasally) Cuz its youuuu…. And meeeee……. Togeeether….

Miley: HEY! That's MY song! Copy catter!

Carolina: (tearing up) I'm really really really really sorry! I just, like, love that song and I love you so, so much…

Miley: (interrupting her) Sorry honey, but I don't swing that way, if you know what I mean..

Carolina: (gasps and is disappointed) Okay. I understand. (walks away)

Emily: (sighs) Ookay, next on the list is… (glances at list) Taylor.

Taylor: (in a southern accent) Hey, thar!

Miley: OMG! You are like my SISTER! (happy dances)

Taylor: (happy dances too)

Miley: You got the part of Miley, darlin'!

Emily: But she didn't even audition!

Taylor: But I wanted to be Lilly!

Miley: Deal wid it.

Taylor: You know what????????

Emily, Mitchel and Miley: WHAT?!

Taylor: I'll TAKE IT! (:

Emily: Can EVERYBODY do the smileys??

Taylor: ……….

Mitchel: Well, all we have to do next is cast the part of Lilly!

Emily: (claps 3 times) YAY ME!

Random guy: (walks in wearing a clown suit) (opens his mouth to sing)

Mitchel: (interrupts) No.

Random guy: (sadly walks out of the room)


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: Hello thar! Thanks to those who actually reviewed. We would really like if people did review! Silly Lilly and I (Alissyn) wrote this next chapter for you, but Lillay thinks that I came up with a bunch of the ideas… but she came up with some hilarious ones herself. Whatevers, she's a cool drool. (: Enjoy!

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Emily: Well, I guess all we need to cast is someone for Lilly…

Julie: Didn't you cast ME for Lilly???

Emily: No.

Julie: Yeah, you did. I SWARE YOU DID! (sobs)

Emily: (suddenly is wearing a nun's dress) No swearing. It's unholy and disgraceful to Him. (Looks up.)

Miley: (hands out the scripts to Taylor, Paul, and Julie)

Taylor: I can't read it!!!

Mitchel: (looks at hers) Oops! I accidentally gave you the one in French! Désolé!

Taylor: What does _that_ mean??

Mitchel: (stares at her, then begins to shout) VOUS NE POUVEZ PAS COMPRENDRE LE FRANÇAIS ? VOUS IDIOT FOUTU STUPIDE! POURQUOI NE COMPRENEZ-VOUS PAS? HUH? HUH??

(Awkward silence. Crickets chirp in the background)

Emily: (stares off into space and drops a quarter) Oops… I think I dropped something.

Paul: (bends down to pick it up and condoms fall out of his pocket.)

Miley: (Blushes)

Mitchel: What are those?

Emily: They're a new kind of bubble gum.

Mitchel: AWESOME! I LOVE BUBBLE GUM! (Takes one and starts chewing rapidly) Mmm…. Tastes like chicken!

Julie: Let me try! (chews a condom as well) (spits out) I don't think you're supposed to eat these…

Miley: NO KIDDING!!!

Mitchel: (swallows) (stares blankly) I think we should start rehearsing right now.

Taylor: The first line says, "Lilly is at the beach with Miley".

Julie: Who says that line? Is it my line?

Emily: (rolls eyes) NO STUPID! No one says it! It's just…. There…

Julie: Whats there?

Emily: a pink pony.

Mitchel: (giggles and starts to sing) My little pony, my little pony!!!!

Julie: I'm going to name mine Julie.

Paul: People, people… please. Stay on track! Oh, and I'm naming mine Freddy.

Mitchel: That was mine!!! Ooh great, now I have to think of a new name.

Miley: You guys are such babies… except you Paul. (flutters eyelashes)

Paul: (Winks) Are you free Friday night?

Miley: Sorry… I think I have a date…

Paul: (gasps) WHAT?!

Miley: (giggles) With _you_, silly!

Paul: I like bagels.

Mitchel: J'aime Des BAGELS AVEC Le FROMAGE FONDU ET Le SAUMON FUMÉ MOUS ! L'OH, LE TASTINESS DE LUI FONDANT TOUT DANS MA BOUCHE ! JOIE !

Taylor: I'm not even going to ask.

Julie: Am I playing Jake Ryan? He's a hunk!

Emily: A hunk of junk!

Paul: (Starts singing) Whatcha gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside that trunk? Imma get get get get you drunk! Get you love drunk off my hump!

Miley: You're so talented, sweetie!

Paul: You know it.

Mitchel: (looking at his palm pilot calendar and gasps) Oh em gee!!! I forgot I was suppoed to have my abortion last Thursday! Who wants to be the mother?

(Silence)

Emily: SO, who wants some starbucks?

Taylor: I could always use a non-fat latte!

Emily: I'm not _going_ that way!!!!!

Taylor: Awkward…..

Miley: Shouldn't we be going over the script?

Emily: Wait… we have a script?

Miley: Yeah, Mitchel's grandma wrote it.

Mitchel: m1 grndm has MaD sk1LLz

Julie: What did you guys say about starbucks?

Miley: I wish my name was starbucks…

Starbucks: Umm, that's MY name…

Miley: Oh, right…

Emily: How does that one song go?

Mitchel: I think I left my straightening iron on…..

Julie: I have hat hair.

Paul: You aren't even _wearing_ a hat…

Julie: True… Does anyone want to go shoe shopping with me?

Taylor: YEAH, I WILL! I'm a size 15! Let's get some shoes!!!! THESE SHOES RULE! THESE SHOES SUCKKKK. LOL YEEE HEEEEE I HAD ONE TOO MANY SUGAR CUBES THIS MORNING! (passes out)

Paul: I think Taylor passed out.

Miley: No, she didn't.

Starbucks: Actually, I think she did.

Taylor: (wakes up and sits up, dizzy) Oh, whoa… I think I need a vanilla frappucino from Starbucks…

Starbucks: (hands it to her) That'd be $49.95…

Taylor: (rubs her forehead) I must have been asleep for a really long time… Prices really sky-rocketed!

Emily: You guys, we haven't even read the script yet!!!

Mitchel: Why isn't there a vending machine in here?

Julie: There is. Right in front of you.

Mitchel: NO THERE ISN'T! ALL I SEE ARE YOU LITTLE GREEN ALIENS HOPPING AROUND AND SPEAKING FRENCH! VOUS ÉTRANGERS DE DUMBASS! TOUT QUE VOUS EST SE REPOSE AUTOUR ET DISCUTE TOUTE LA JOURNÉE! ET VOUS ÊTES TOUS DE POIDS EXCESSIF!

Paul: It isn't GOING anywhere!

Miley: What isn't going anywhere, Paulyface?

Paul: This relationship. All we do is read and review stupid fanfictions. Laaaaaame!

Taylor: What are fanfictions?

Julie: They don't have ANY vegetarian options! Seriously, all they serve is meat meat meat!!!!! You're so greedy! (bursts into tears and runs off stage)

Emily: I love meat!

Mitchel: MR. MEATY IS THE COOLEST SHOW EVERRR!!!!! He's my IDOL!

Paul: (looks up from his script) Okay, I got Scene One memorized!

Emily: …. You're not even IN scene one…

Paul: (hides under a pile of spaghetti)

Julie: (points) That spaghetti has MEAT SAUCE ON IT!!!!! MEAT SAUCE, I TELL YOU!

Taylor: I thought you were a carnivore?

Miley: You mean a transvestite, right?

Julie: No. A carnivore. I love meat!

(Everyone stares at her)

Julie: What??

Mitchel: Have you guys read _To Kill A Mockingbird_? It's a joyous piece of fine literature that involved a 1930's Alabama town—

Paul: That book is effin' retarded.

Miley: I LOVE THAT BOOK!!!

Paul: I LOVE THAT BOOK!!!

Starbucks: I LOVE THAT BOOK!!!

Paul: (abruptly) Miley, are you cheating on me?

Miley: Yes.

Paul: Me too!

Miley: Awesome!

Paul: Want to make out?

Miley: SURE!

(They run off and lock themselves in a closet)

Taylor: (sighs) Young love.

Julie: (swallows another condom) Damn, these are addicting…

Mitchel: Fo sho, sistah. (takes a bite out of one)

Emily: (sniffs the air) Is something… burning?

Taylor: (screams) NO!!!!!!!!

Emily: Allllllllrighty then…..

Miley and Paul: (banging on the closet door) HELP! AYUDAME! LET US OUT!!


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **WHY DON'T YOU PEOPLE REVIEW?!?! Sorry, sorry, we're alright. But seriously, 6 reviews? That's pathetic! We'd really like it if you guys reviewed! But here's chapter 3 anyways! -- Alissyn and SillyLilly

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**Chapter Three**

(Julie, and Taylor are finishing a run-through of Scene 357312. Paul is not needed for this rehearsal, so he is at home. Emily, Mitchel, and Miley are sitting in beanbag chairs on the side of the stage, eating pizza.)

Taylor: (reading off her script, talking to Julie) I think you like Oliver!

Julie: (eyes widen) Why would you _think_ that?!?!

Taylor: well, it's true!

Miley: (falls asleep and starts snoring)

Mitchel: (taking another bite of his pizza slice) I'm hungry.

Paul: (appears out of nowhere) 'Ello, mates! I be hungry as well!

Miley: (suddenly wakes up) PAULYFACE! I thought you weren't coming to this rehearsal!

Paul: (alarmed) What be you talking about, mates?! I've been here the whole time!

Emily: I know the best place to get dinner!

Taylor: But it's only 9:45 in the morning…

Emily: (rolls eyes) SO?! Let's go anyways!

Starbucks: Okay!!

Emily: (eyes narrow) Nobody invited _you._

Starbucks: But I work there!

Miley: WHERE?! She never even said a place!

Starbucks: 0o

Mitchel: Why don't we just go to L'Endroit Heureux?

Julie: Ew!! I hate that place! It made me throw up and—

Taylor: Kay, let's go! We can swim there!

(2.5 seconds later, they are seated at a table.)

Emily: (wrings out hair) Ahh, that was a good swim! I feel so refreshed!

Starbucks: May I help you all?

Julie: Do I know you?

Mitchel: Oui, je suis assez sûr vous . Je prends un petit pain enourmous dans mon réfrigérateur qui est mort juste pour manger le fromage et des échecs.

Starbucks: Vraiment ?? Vous m'aimez ?! Oh ma qualité, Mitchel vous êtes comme un plongeur de scaphandre dans mon cerveau!

Miley: …..

Starbucks: Err, I'll get you all some appetizers of épuisez!

(épuisez magically appears on the table)

Emily: (grabs a handful and shoves it in Mitchel's mouth)

Mitchel: (swallows) WHOA! This is simply amazing!

Starbucks: Oops, I accidentally gave you the drainage from the toilet! (French biscuits magically appear on the table in place of the… other… uh… stuff.)

Mitchel: (tries a biscuit and swallows) Hm, I liked the other stuff better…

Paul: (tastes one) This is just… you know?

Miley: (flutters eyelashes) I'm with you, baby! (devours a napkin)

Taylor: Y'all, I think we should order the large.

Julie: No, I think with the six of us, we need a small…

Mitchel: Uh, I wear a size 0, no offense…

Emily: I wear a diaper!

Miley: I'm wearing a tampon right now.

Paul: ME TOO!!! (blushes.) I meant the tampon… not the diaper…

Starbucks: Are you all ready to order yet?

Julie: Do you have it?

Starbucks: What kind of question is _that_? Of course I have it!

Julie: Okay, then write it down! That's what I'm ordering!

Emily: I'll have the same, but also… I'll have the large soda, with 3 of the ice cream desserts, and the chocolate fondue. I'm trying to lose weight.

Mitchel: Oh please honey, you don't need to lose weight. I'll have the small.

Paul: SAME!

Miley: SAME!

Starbucks: SAME!

Taylor: (finishing homework) So, the phospholipid bilayers have embedded proteins and make ribosomes! AHA!!!

Miley: OH! I GET IT NOW!

Taylor: Oh, you do? Maybe you could explain it to me one more time, because I don't really understand.

Starbucks: Wait, so what are you ordering?

Taylor: Oh, uh… I'll get Le Plateau des Champignons et des Pommes de Terre, with a side of pomegranate seeds.

Starbucks: (scribbles it down) Alright! I'll get those right away! (goes into the kitchen)

Paul: So, what is love anyways?

Miley: (turns into Hannah Montana) NOBODY'S PERFECT! I GOTTA WORK IT!

Paul: Yeah baby! You work it!

Mitchel: (mouth drops open) Oh… my… effing… GOD! YOU'RE HANNAH MONTANA?!?

Miley: (rolls eyes) You know that, like, ages ago! Like, in the second episode of Hannah Montana…

Mitchel: (laughs) Oh, right! J-K!

Emily: No, that was Oliver. Mitchel never knew…

Mitchel: (is surprised again) OMG UR RITEeeeeeeeeee33!!!!!!!!!!11 CAN I HAVE UR AUTOGRAPH?!111111111

Julie: Sorry, guys. No autographs. No paparazzi, please.

Starbucks: (frowns) Aww, fine.

Taylor: Wait, when did you get back here? I thought you were in the kitchen?

Starbucks: No, I came back when I delivered your food.

(Everyone realizes there's food in front of them, and gobble it down)

Emily: So, guys, is Starbucks a girl or a boy?

Starbucks: Actually, I prefer to be called "Alan".

Taylor: Starbucks is… special. Uh, if you know what I mean…

Paul: Starbucks is HOT.

Julie: I thought Starbucks was a girl…?

Starbucks: You know, this conversation is getting a little awkward… I'm going to go back in the kitchen now… (leaves)

Emily: (sighs) I wish I was a princess...

Mitchel: Bless you!

Paul: I wish I was a ballerina…

Miley: I wish I was Hannah Montana…

Julie: I wish I could have sex with Nick Jonas…

Nick: You know it.

Taylor: Nick… Nick… JONAS?!

Nick: (chuckles and smirks) Yep, that's me.

Taylor: You're a… FUCKING MANWHORE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU FUCKING FUCKER!!!!!!!!

Mitchel: Hey Nick, my homie skillet biscuit!

Nick: … Who are you?

Mitchel: The name's Musso. _Mitchel_ Musso. You got that, Jonas? _Nick_ Jonas?

Nick: Wait, what?

Miley: (to Nick in a seductive voice) Ooh baby, don't listen to him. Just concentrate me like orange juice.

Nick: OOH BABY, YOU KNOW HOW TO TURN ME ON!!!!!

Miley: (looks down at herself) DAMNIT, I got a boner! How embarrassing!

Paul: Miley… you're cheating on me!

Miley: Didn't we already establish this last chapter?

Paul: Yeah, but I like to, you know, relive the moments! (:

Julie: (eyes widen and points a shaky finger, and talks in a hoarse whisper) Smiley face… smiley face… SMILEY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **OMGGGGG. We haven't updated in like 19 years! Sorry bout that! But here's our update now, YEEeE! Please review! Love, Alissyn and Lilly

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(Mitchel is in a hospital bed at the hospital. A nurse is talking to him about the results of his test, but he is too busy playing with his bellybutton.)

Nurse: Ukkay, so there are two options for the sex of your baby: a boy, or a girl. Got that?

Mitchel (snaps back to reality): Wait, what? My babies are having sex?

Nurse: NO; you silly octopus! I meant that the sex of your baby could be a boy or a girl! Do you know who the father is?

Mitchel: Me….

Nurse: Oh, right, you're a boy. Who's the mother?

Mitchel: I'm not quite sure, actually… (strokes his beard)

Nurse: (taps her pen on her clipboard) Well, who have you had sexual intercourse with in the past two seconds?

Mitchel: Miley, Starbucks, Emily, Julie, Paul…

Nurse: (interrupts him) Wait, isn't Paul a boy?

Mitchel: Yeah… What's your point?

Nurse: Uh… is that all, or is there more?

Mitchel: my grandma, Nick Jonas, Taylor, you, myself, Pearl, Ilana, Anna, Blaire, Shaina, Francine, Clayton, Jorie, Antidisestablishmentarians, a frog… yeah, I think that's it.

(Starbucks enters the room, holding hands with Taylor.)

Starbucks: (in a deep, manly voice) Hey hottie.

Mitchel: He-eyyy!

Starbucks: (frowns) I wasn't talking to YOU. (gives a deep passionate kiss to the nurse) Hey honey-buns.

Nurse: … Who are you?

Starbucks: The name's _bucks. Star_ bucks.

Nurse: Uh…. Can I ask you to leave the premises, Mr. Bucks?

Taylor: Wait, Star, I thought you were with me!

Nurse: Oh, in that case, both of you need to leave the premises. We're kind of busy trying to figure out if Mitchel's baby is a boy or a girl.

(Starbucks and Taylor disappear)

Nurse: Well, that was convenient.

Mitchel: Just tell me if my freaking baby is a BOY or a GIRL!!

Nurse: YOU'RE PREGNANT??

Mitchel: Yeah, just Hold On.

Nurse: Huh?

Mitchel: This is an SOS.

Nurse: Are you trying to give me a hint on who is the mother?

Mitchel: I don't know… have _you_ been to the Year 3000?

Nurse: Yeah, I was there yesterday. Why?

Mitchel: Oh, well, because I'm wondering if you're the Kids of the Future.

Nurse: Okay, I'm done playing this game! I figured out who the mother is!

Mitchel: Pshh, It's About Time.

Nick: (calling from the hallway) Honey, I'm hooooooome!

Mitchel: (blushing madly) There he is!!

Miley: Are you saying that Nick Jonas is the father of Mitchel's baby?

Nurse: No, he's the mother.

Nick: (to Miley) Where did you come from?

Miley: NICK JONASSS!!!!! I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES!!!

(Mitchel feels an unusual sensation, then screams)

Mitchel: AHHHHH! MY WATER JUST BROKE!!!!!!!

Nurse: (panics) OH NO, WHAT DO WE DO??!?!?!?!?! (hyperventilating)

Nick: WHAT?! You're the nurse here!

Nurse: (rips off her mask to reveal that she's Johnny Depp) NO, I'm actually JOHNNY DEPP!!

Miley: (faints)

(Baby randomly pops out of Mitchel's butt.)

Nick: Awwe, it has my double chin!

Mitchel: Aw, it has my vagina!

Nurse: That's a penis.

Mitchel: Oh. So it's a guy?

Nick: I think it's a mixture.

Mitchel: CE QUI? CHIEZ COMMENT A FAIT CECI SE PRODUISENT Je NE PEUT PAS MÊME LE CROIRE! ÇA ALORS J'ai voulu Une POMME DE TERRE De BUTÉE TORIQUE De FILLE De GARÇON De FREAKING!

Johnny Depp: Oy vey.

(Paul falls from the ceiling.)

Paul: (rubbing his head) Ouch. That was painful. So, what are you going to name the baby?

Nick: How did YOU know that we had a baby?

Paul: I read it in the newspaper.

Nick: Oh.

Mitchel: Let's name it Nickel!

Nick: Quarter?

Paul: DOLLAR!

Mitchel: No, like, it's a mixture between Nick and Mitchel. Get it?

Nick: OKAY!

(Julie and Emily enter the room)

Julie: (peering at Nickel) Aw, she's so cute. What's her name?

Nick: (angrily) HIS name is Nickel.

Mitchel: IT'S AN IT!

Emily: I thought this was a Loliver…?

Julie: Why would you think that?

(Miley wakes up suddenly)

Miley: PAULYFACE! YOU CAME!

Paul: I did?

Miley: YEAH! You became a member of MileyWorld! Now you get to get presales to all of my concerts! STOP EMBERASSING ME, DADDY!

Paul: …………

Nickel: Bonjour.

Nick: AWWE, my baby said his/her first words!!

Nickel: No shit, fartface.

Mitchel: THAT'S MY BABY! (hits Nickel on the back happily)

Emily: You guys inspire me! I'm going to have a baby with Starbucks and experience the miracle of birth!

Mitchel: COPYCATTER!!!!

Julie: OOH! OOH! Have it with me, Emily!!

Emily: Okay!

(They both jump into the closet)

Nick: There is no closet in here.

(They both reappear)

Julie: (snorts) I knew that.

Miley: (holds her boobs) What size cup do you think I wear?

Paul: D!

Nick: Like, A?

Miley: (scowls) I'm Z, guys!

Mitchel: (proudly) I'm 36B!

Nick: THAT'S HOTT!

Emily: Are you Paris Hilton?

Nick: No, I'm London Tipton!

Emily: OMGGGGG I HEART YOU LONDON.

Nick: Fo shizzle.

Miley: You're so cute when you say Fo Shizzle!

Nick: Aw, shucks…

Julie: (does the Soulja Boy dance) WATCH ME CRANK THAT SOULJA BOY!

Paul: Stop.

Julie: (points at him) YOUUUUUU!!

Mitchel: (feeling his stomach) Oh crap, I think I'm pregnant again.

Nick: YOU'RE KIDDING ME!

Mitchel: I need some birth control.

Nickel: You're tellin' me.

Mitchel: (whacks him with a poptart) BAD.

Social Worker: I'm sorry, I think we may have to remove your child from your possession because you're abusing him… her… it.

Mitchel: But… but….

Social Worker: (grabs Nickel from Mitchel's hands)

Nickel: (kicks the Social Worker in the nuts and he collapses)

Mitchel: (beams) That's my it!


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **Yo, peeps. Sorry that we haven't updated in a million years. :\ Lilly and I have been reeeally busy and haven't had time to get together and write chapters! But anyways, here's chapter five! And thanks for the awesomely awesome reviews!

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(Everybody is at rehearsals for Loliver: The Musical. Taylor, Paul, and Julie are onstage, practicing their scenes)

Julie (reading her script): Oh, Oliver, you look so adorable!

Paul (reading his script): Lilly, you're the cutest little orgasm I've ever laid eyes on!

Julie (looks up): Wait… I think that says "gingerbread man".

Paul: OH, I see! Sorry, I always get confused between those two words. They sound the same. Orgasm… gingerbread man…same diff.

Mitchel: CUT CUT CUT!!! THat's alllll wrong! OH EM GEE!! You guys are sooo bad at this acting thing!!!

Miley: That was hot.

Emily: Nahh... the gingerbread thing messed it all up

Paul: Sorry, it sucked. I feel slightly uncomfortable saying the word "orgasm", though.

Mitchel: Don't be hatin' on my grandma!

Miley: Your grandma has orgasms?

Mitchel: No... but... (looks around the room) I DO!!!

Nick: Yeah, we know. (winks) that's how we got little Nickel...

Julie: (glances around) where IS nickel?

Nickel (shouting from the bathroom): I'm in the bathroom! OH BABY, Taylor, do it again! Uhmm…. Oh…

Emily: I think he's in the bathroom.

Miley: KICK OFF YOUR STILETTOS! AND FUCK ME IN THE BACKSEAT!

Paul: (raises his hands in the air) Ooh! Me! Me! PICK ME!

Nick: (crossing his fingers, toes, earlobes, tongues, and nostrils) Please, please don't pick me..

Miley: (looks around, beaming) I pick… NICK!

Nick: (uncrosses everything and gives her a wide eyed stare) WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Emily: Well, I said that you are a compulsive overeater and that you need to go to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting.

Miley: Nick, did you hear what I said? Kick off your stilettos!!

Nick: (looks down at his feet) But these cost -$2.00! I can't afford to lose them!

Taylor: (appears) MM! STILETTOS! (eats them)

Nickel: (appears) You know what, Taylor? I don't think this is working out? I hate to tell you this, but… I already have a wife.

Taylor: Oh, that's cool. You were just a one night stand anyway.

Nickel: IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK OF ME? (bursts into tears)

Taylor: (shrugs) Yeah.

Mitchel: (yells at Taylor) You know what?! My son is still a baby and you already broke his heart and took is virginity! YOU BI—

Nick: (interrupts) Don't say anything you'll regret…

Mitchel: (rethinks) You…. WITCH! YOU'RE FIRED!

Taylor: What?! You can't fire me! I'm Miley!

Miley: NO! _I'm_ Miley! POSERRRRR! POSER! (points) n00b!

Taylor: (guiltily) Look, I only posed as you on the internet 346 times, because I wanted attention.

Nickel: (gasps) Wait… so you _aren't_ Miley?!?!?!

Emily: No, she used to be.

Paul: Oh god. I just watched Hairspray for the first time. Zac Efron is SO HOT!

Zac: (winks) Thanks.

Julie: (carrying posters and signs angrily, marching) DOWN WITH ZANESSA! DOWN WITH ZANESSA!

Zac: (turns into Soulja Boy) Don't be hatin', jiggy bro!

Julie: (about to cry) Zac, how could you fall for a strumpet like Vanessa?!

Everyone: Huh?

Zac: (dies)

Julie: (rolls her eyes) Guys, a strumpet is a whore in Shakespeare talk!

Taylor: Strumpet? Is that a stringed trumpet? I PLAY THE FLOOGLEHORN!

Mitchel: Uh, Taylor, we already fired you…

Taylor: (laughs) Wait, you were serious?

Paul: (holding up a waffle) To eat, or not to eat… _that_ is the question.

Miley: (flies up and snatches it out of his hand and gobbles it up) YUM, these are better than those condoms that Mitchel gave us a few chapters back!

Paul: HEY! YOU TOOK MY FREAKING WAFFLES. (turns into a sumo wrestler) NOW ITS TIME TO PAY!!!!

Miley: (turns into Justin Timberlake) I can't wait to fall in looooooove with you! Oh wait, this isn't what I wanted to turn into! (turns into a sumo wrestler) ARRRRRH!

Emily: OMG, is there a pirate here?! I want his autograph! Pirates are hott!

Nick: Emo boys are hott.

Paul: I'm an emo boy. (cuts self)

Miley: NOOO! Paulyface! Cutting… BAD BAD BAD!

Paul: (evil smirk) I have to cut! I have to find out who am, by digging deeper, deeper into my skin!!

Emily: EWW, skin! Who has skin?!?

Nickel: Where's Taylor?

Taylor: (cheerfully) Right here!

Miley: And when I can't be with you dream me near, keep me in your heart and I'll appear. All you gotta do is turn around, close your eyes, look inside… I'm RIGHT HERE!

Nickel: Oh. (smiles, then growls) I'm going to KILL YOU!

Taylor: Well, it was nice knowing you all. (turns into a pile of leaves)

Mitchel: That's an awesome trick! How do you do that?

Emily: Crap, now we have to find a new person to play Miley!

Nick: (ponders) Hm… I'll do it.

Miley: Well… I have to go. My mommy said I had to babysit a baby gorilla for her. I can't wait to see you again! And btw, I'm fine with Nick playing me.

Nick: Coo

Julie: COOCOO FOR COCOA PUFFS!

Paul: I fucking hate that cereal.

Julie: For cereal?

Emily: How's your rice krispie's laryngitis?

Sharpay: FAB-YOO-LUS! That is my simple request!

Julie: (reading from script) My elephant's name is Lilly Pruscott, and I'm a HUUUUGE PAN.

Emily: No, you got it alllll wrong! It's "My name is Lilly Truscott and I'm a huuuge fan!"

Sharpay: ZOMG, we're skin tone compatible!

Nick: WTF

Mitchel: IDK, my BFF Jill?

Sharpay: Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water!

Julie: OH! I know that song! Doesn't the rest go "Let's go, with GMO! Let's go GMO, let's go! It's a girl's night!" (dances wildly)

Miley: GMO stands for Genetically Modified Organism.

Paul: STOP SAYING "ORGASM"! I HATE THAT WORD!!

Emily: (snaps) C'mon diggidy dogs, we need to get workin' on da script!

Everyone: (laughs)

Miley: (giggling) Oh my god, Emily, I thought you were serious for a second!

Nickel: You little joker!

Mitchel's Grandma: She _was_ cereal.

Mitchel: (gasps with excitement) GRANDMA!!!! I thought you were dead! (runs and hugs her)


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **HEYLO. This is… us. We haven't updated in a month and a half. That's… depressing. SORRY! BUT AT LEAST WE'RE UPDATING NOW! RIGHT… RIGHT… NUDGE RIIIIIGHT?

* * *

(Emily, Miley, Mitchel, Paul, Julie, and Nick are in a conference room, sipping coffee.)

Emily (spits out coffee): UGRH! This is the _worst_ root beer I've ever tasted!

Julie: That's not root beer… that's urine.

Mitchel: Don't be ridiculous, mates! It's coffee!

Miley: Okay, dude, urine is not brown. Seriously, how could you even think that's urine?

Julie (points to her glass): Mine is yellow…………………………..

Nick: Yeah, I made some lemonade.

Everyone: (becomes silent and stares at Nick)

Nick: (blinks)

Joe: AWKWRRD! Oops, that's not how you spell AWKWARD!

Paul: OMJ, I HAVE A SUPER AMAZING STORY TO TELL YOU GUYSZZ! SO, yesterday… I got raped. By Joe… Jonas.

Nick: RU CALLING MY BRUDAH A RAPIST YO?

Joe: Well, I am, so it makes sense… (hides in a bucket of cream cheese)

Miley: NICK WHY AREN'T YOU A RAPIST?! RAPE MEEEE!!!

Paul: Can I rape you, Miley?

Julie: I think we should get started on this meeting. The reason why we are all gathered here today is because Julie has died. (bursts into sobs) I LOVED HER SO MUCH!

Emily: I have a confession to make… I'm really a 2 year old.

Mitchel: The phone is ringing.

(The phone begins to ring)

Nick: Hello?

(The phone continues to ring.)

Joe: Dude, you didn't pick up the phone…

Nick: Oh… RIGHT!... DIABETES!

(The phone is STIIIIIIILL ringing… PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE ALREADY!!)

Emily: Something tells me that we need to pick up the phone. (picks it up) Hello?

Santa Claus: HO HO HO!

Paul: SANTA!!!!! YOU'RE MY HERO! (hugs him)

Santa Claus: You can't hug me… I'm talking to you on the phone…

Paul: Oh…

(Santa randomly appears out of thin air.)

Santa Claus: Sorry I was late for the meeting! My wife and I were caught up in something.

Starbucks: TMI!

Miley: OW. THE MUSIC IS TOO LOUD!

Julie: What music?

Santa Claus: Once a whore, you're nothing more, I'm sorry, that will never change.

Vanessa Hudgens: Does that mean I'm getting a lump of coal for Christmas?

Mitchel: I thought you converted to Buddhism? No! THAT WAS MEE! Whoops…

(Buddha random appears)

Mitchel: (rubs Buddha's belly) Squishy…

Nick: OH NO YOU DIDN'T JUST HIT ON BUDDHA. HOW CAN YOU BE SO UNFAITHFUL?

Miley: ILY nick.

Octopus: NILEY!!!

Paul: (eats the octopus) Mm, how I love fried Octopus… TASTY!

Emily: Did you know that babies are born without armpits?

Starbucks: SERIOUSLY?!

Nickel: But I have armpits… (checks) Oh… I guess not.

Taylor: (hands Nickel a pair of armpits) Oh, sorry, you forgot these at my house!

Nickel: (takes them) Thanks… oh wait. You're fired… SECURITY!

Nick: (laughs) That's hilarious.

Joe: WHAT

Nick: Yo, I need to borrow 6 dollars.

Joe: For………………………………… what?

Nick: I need to hire a prostitute for Nickel's birthday party yesterday!

Mitchel: I need to order some of that gum… you know… _that_ gum. That… yeah?

Miley: I feel like a hero… and you are my HEEEEROINE!

Julie: Heroine! (sticks a needle in her arm) DRUGSZZZ

Joe: Let's begin.

Emily: GREAT IDEA, JOE! So, since we fired Taylor, Nick will be playing the part of Miley now, I guess.

Nick: PONAGE! I _love_ crossdressing!

Miley: I already memorized _all_ my lines.

Nickel: You don't have any lines…

Miley: GISELLE! I've been drea—(gets hit by bikes)

Bikes: Dude… we killed MILEY!

Inanimate object: Why are all of these inanimate objects talking?

Julie: Beats me.

Starbucks: (sneezes) I need a tissue.

Emily: ALL THE KIDS MADE FUN OF ME BECAUSE OF MY BLADDAR INFECTION.

Nickel: GOD BLED

Nick: Better believe I bled. It's a call I'll never get.

Starbucks: Ugh, I can't sleep! You guys are being so LOUD! (cries in a corner)

Aly & AJ: I guess you're just Insomniatic.

Miley: Let's make friendship bracelets! But… only for my BESTIES! Like… (groans) Nobody in _here_…

Emily: Spiderpig, spiderpig…

Miley: Spiderpig is my bestie.

Mitchel: Dang, I need to update my Lackson!

Miley: Guys, I'm writing the best Moliver oneshit right now… uhh… I mean one_shot_

Nickel: Speaking of shit… (runs to the bathroom)

Julie: AHHHHH! There's a naked man in my shower!

Paul: (emerges from the shower) Dude… I'm not naked. My testicles just happen to be visible…

Miley: My boyfriend is a mature adult who knows how to keep his tool in his pants.

Jesse McCartney: Because you live, girl. My world has twice as many stars in the sky.

Paul: OMG I LOVE YOU JESSIE.

Jesse McCartney: (giggles) You spelled my name wrong.

George W. Bush: Dayyum, that pig is wearing a tutu.

Pig: I just got this at Hot Topic yesterday! You like?

George W. Bush: EMO PIG!

Jesse McCartney: I like pork…

Rabbi: I keep kosher.

Jesse McCartney: Where did everyone go?

George W. Bush: I ate them. (burps everyone out)

Mitchel: Whew! It's a relief to get out of there! I thought I was going to die…

Emily: Did y'all know that there are actually Democrats in there?

George W. Bush: Whoa, I never meant to brag. But I got him where I want him now!

Julie: You're gay? But you have a wife…

Paul: I am gay… do you have problem with that? (flashes peace sign)

Nick: OMGZ, I love gay people. They're fergalicious. (belly dances)

Miley: WHOA NICK?! You have a belly button piercing?

Nick: (shifty eyes) NO! (covers his bellybutton up with a bra)

Paul: Hey, that's mine!

Nick: (glances down) You wear a D cup?

Paul: I don't know. I can't help it that I have man boobs!

George W. Bush: MOOOBS!


End file.
